I went to Sabah, Malaysia for a wedding.  Sabah is a Malaysian state sitting on the north coast of Borneo.  It is a destination for its multitude of outdoor activities. If I had been there longer, I would have wanted to hike up Mount Kinabalu (I found out only after the fact that we were staying at the base of Borneo’s largest mountain) but we had already jammed the weekend with so much, not to mention a pretty spectacular wedding.  

One of Bree’s best friends from college, Farah, was getting married. So a whole bunch of Iowa Hawkeyes from Kuala Lumpur and Singapore came out to celebrate. The main crew was Shae, Nick, Lester…. and Nicole and Robin!  I was so excited to meet everyone and I was even more excited to see Nicole and Robin again. They seemed to be doing well with themselves over the past couple of months since I last saw them and I had a lot of fun catching up with them.  

All that happened on the first night.  We then, met up for drinks after I had landed in Sabah at the  “Shangri la’s tanjung Aru Resort” where the wedding was going to take place the following day. There was a nice tiki bar on the beach that over looks the sunset with islands planted right in the most perfect spot, sooooo of course I got a Pina Colada. (I mean seriously, God did a good job with composition there)  I walked into a group that was absolutely pooped from running around with wedding duties all day, so we just got one drink and moved on. I got to sit on the outside and watch as old friends reconnected with each other after so many years .

After food and a much needed shower, we went out again to meet Farah and Chance. The Bride and Groom! I also met Gloria, Bree’s last core Iowa group member, and her boyfriend Jeremiah.  Bree’s core group from college is: Nicole, Gloria and Farah. Early on, I decided to call them the “Malaysian Babes”. Don’t know why, it just feels right.

I had a lot of fun getting to know everyone. I had a good amount of one-on-one time with everyone and was able to have really meaningful deep conversations with a good number of them.  I LOVED talking to Chance. Chance is starting a master’s degree in Psychology and Philosophy. So I had a good time poking his brain on a couple of interesting topics to me. The bulk of the conversation seemed to center on “what makes for a successful and a unsuccessful career”.  We’ve seen examples and we both agree that to have a successful career, you have to make your own job. I wonder if the life they sell you as a kid (get good grades, go to college, fit the mold, become who they want you to be ect.) is counterproductive to productivity. We sat and pondered about how the truth lies more in “who you are”, and less in “who you should become”.  This way, we both agreed that we would like to see more people be themselves. Which is surprisingly hard to do considering the obviousness of this comment. I know through personal experiences that “being who they want you to be” can make you feel included but only temporarily. It’s a good skill to acquire but can hurt, deeply. Through years of analyzing this trick, I’ve decided to call this feeling “my mask”.  When I want to shield myself, I can throw up “my mask” with the best of them. It can be very handy in situations, but “the mask” can lead to a feeling of isolation from even my closest friends and family. It can fill me with shame as an imposter and anxiety as the hypocrite I believe myself to be. I’ve been reading several books by Brene Brown who you should check out! In her book the gifts of imperfection Brene says that “fitting in” actually has the opposite effect and can hurt you.  If you search for belonging and acceptance in being who you ”should be”, you will push yourself further away from the goal.  You should instead switch to being vulnerable and connect through our shared human experiences to fight for who you are. Connection breeds belonging and belonging breeds acceptance.  This is all so much easier said than done, and I’ll admit that I still struggle with this on a daily basis. Vulnerability through whole-hearted living is a practice that I try to use in my daily life.  Sometimes it sucks and hurts worse than any other feeling in the world, but sometimes, just sometimes, I’m very thankful for this practice.

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Gloria is also an English teacher!  She teaches in Singapore so I got to find out about what that’s like.  I got to talk to her about some of the techniques she uses in her school.  She teachers adults where I mostly teach children. Because of the difference in age groups we got to talk about the different challenges we face.   It’s nice to hear about someone else’s experience with this job. 6 months into this whole teaching thing, I’m still new and it can be stressful and really challenging, but  one of the perks of teaching english is that you get to travel and see countries that you would otherwise never have had the chance to see. In just the past 6 months, I have traveled to two different countries, learned to scuba dive, learned a new language (I’m a novice),  visited several different and unique cities and been immersed in a different culture. Traveling is definitely a perk but the real satisfaction comes from teaching. The money is good and the opportunity to travel is good, but when you throw yourself headfirst into teaching, the reward reveals itself through the experiences everyone has in the classroom.  I know I know, it sounds very cheesy but it’s true. Watching these people wrestle with the language and prove dominance fills me with passion. I know that they are giving themselves the opportunity to connect to a larger community just like I have given myself the opportunity to do the same. They learn, I learn, and we all feel connected. Connection, the thing I crave for deeply.  I’m glad I get to talk to other people about this and together we can all be social justice warriors and enlighten the world!!!

The ladies left to go home and Nick, Shae, Robin and I sat around talking about the pressure most asian families put on their children.  I am still curious about it because I’ve never grown up in an environment that demanded so much from the younger generation. Weddings are fun, exciting, romantic, and in my experience full of the hope for the future.  Which is a good thing, but can also hurt if you personally feel like you haven’t been living up to your own expectations like I have in the past. Family has a lot to do with that (especially at weddings), because I’m the outsider who grew up in a different culture with different expectations and instead of feeling like an imposter with “my mask” I got curious.  Nick and Shae spearheaded the conversation and we sat there till about 3 in the morning talking about what feels different and what feels the same between the two family dynamics. I still don’t have any answers and I don’t think I ever will. I think this is just going to be one of those things that I will never truly “understand”.

The night was going on longer than any of us expected but then again, I guess that happens when you get so many people together after such a long time.  It was late and there was a lot to do the following day. So once the conversations seemed to fizzle out and sleep started taking over, we got up and moved to our beds.

The next morning, the girls got up early to start getting ready for the wedding.  But the boys didn’t really have anything to do so we took our sweet time. As per usual, when there is a lot of time to kill, why not spend it stuffing your face? We got up and moving for a Sabah “Fatt Kee” (roast fish) that was really spicy.  Fatt Kee is an herbal broth that combines tofu, bean sprouts and a whole bunch of different herbs and spices that stew with a melody of roasted fish and prawns (or whatever else the chefs decide to add to the mix). I went for the really spicy stuff because I am a spice junkie, and because I’m white I usually surprise the people around me.  Turns out not many white people like spicy food, and when I think about it, most white people I know hate spicy food. I guess some stereotypes ring true. Either way, I feel like it’s my duty to prove that I can eat spicy food hence,I will go for the spiciest thing I can find. Part “egged on”, part “I can climb any spice mountain” and part “I love the high that spicy food gives you”;  I was crying into my “Fatt Kee” by the end of the meal. After I dried my tears we rolled out of the giant restaurant.

The next place we went to had some delicious “Sam Youk Mee”  which is referred to as Sabah Poem Noodles, and eating them was like poetry.  There was pork mixed into the noodles which is always a surprise to find because of the muslim religion that dominates this region.  Back in my home state of North Carolina, there is little else that matters outside of the pig. There are many ways of eating pulled pork and my favorite style is a more western North Carolina approach.  First the meat is slow roasted and smoked; pulled, chopped and sauteed to give a crunch. But the real hero goes to the BBQ sauce. Restaurants live and die by the sauce and in the appalachian mountains there is a unique style used.  There is a lot of vinegar mixed with chilis and brown sugar. The sweet and tangy vinegar sauce mixes with the pulled pork and cuts through the fat to give it a nice, filling yet crisp feel. I was delighted to see that the same style is used halfway around the world on the island of Borneo.  The “Sam Youk Mee” also utilizes the vinegar for the exact same purpose. Eating the succulent noodless with the spicy vinegar cut might have stopped my heart for a second but I was quickly brought back to life with a little desert. We went to a nearby sweet stand:”Rasa Sayang Desserts” where we got to try two different malay desserts.  The first was a wheat germ pudding that was sweet, creamy and savory. I think that was hands down the favorite. Next was a fungus that had been stewed in a sugar syrup solution that you might gawk at but the saying: “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it” applies. After our sweet tooth was sufficiently fed, we rolled out again and into the cars and later slept off the food baby back at the apartment.

I was worried that my suit wouldn’t fit for the wedding after a full day of eating , but by some miracle it did.  Thank God. We were still a little early so we spent the the remaining time back at the sunset bar were we all met the day before.  3 Pina Coladas later, we were ready for the big event. Luckily the bar was on the resort where the wedding was being held, so we just sort of stumbled over to the venue.  It was gorgeous and there were so many photo opportunities that we would take advantage of later.. We sat down at our table and started waiting for the event to start. This was going to be a muslim wedding which meant no alcohol, which meant I would attend my first dry wedding.  Turns out you don’t need alcohol to have a good time, who knew? I sat down and started talking to Jeremiah. Jeremiah is Gloria’s boyfriend and with that, we were both the plus one’s. I wasn’t the only one who was thrown into this group with established relationships. We spent most of the time during our conversation talking about long distance relationships.  If you’ve ever wondered? They suck. My sister had been in one for most of her relationship with her then: boyfriend, now: husband. It turns out that Jeremiah not only shares the experience of being brought into this college group as a plus one but also shares the same long distance experience. I enjoyed feeling connected to someone who knew what it was like this weekend, especially when we got to talking about what it was like being in a long distance relationship.  Jeremiah seemed to come at this on a different path from where Bree and I started walking. Jeremiah first met Gloria and they almost immediately started a long distance. On the other hand, bree and I started dating in Chicago and spend a lot of time together before we threw ourselves into different countries. In this relationship with distance, little things that we would have been able to solve by being close to each other suddenly became huge life defining moments.  Text messaging has to be the worst mode of conversation because all of the little things can get lost in translation but talking on the phone can help, but it’s not much better. Jeremiah shared his resentment with long distance with me. We sat there spitting at long distance predicaments and that seemed to make the time until the ceremony fly by.

Then the ceremony started!  Farah was beautiful and Chance was handsome.  We were all indoctrinated in a muslim song prayer that was gorgeous and the two shared their vows.  Afterwards Bree, Gloria and Nicole shared their toast and next was the first dance. They were joined by the parents and then by the bridesmaids plus their significant others: Nicole and Robin had to dance together which was delightfully awkward because neither of them felt that way for each other and here they were getting to have the first dance at their best friends wedding in a romantic island getaway. I took terrible pleasure in watching the two of them squirm.  Next we were sent on our way to eat while the performances started. It’s important to note now, that the MC of the evening took every “Chance” (pun intended) she got to make fun of his white skin. Again, a little disconcourning but meant in fun so, I guess I’ll laugh at it. During the performance, we saw three different styles of traditional malay dances which included a really silly looking hand waving dance and a super cool stick dance. There were 6 people holding 2 poles each.  They lowered themselves to the ground and put the poles on the floor and began to beat the poles in a rhythmic drumming fashion. Next two people stood on either side of the poles and started dancing in the middle of the moving poles. I was scared because I was sure that at any moment their feet were going to get snapped inside the moving poles but it never happened it made for a very entertaining performance.

Aside from the dancers, there was also a game that we all got to play.  The MC took several people from the party and put us all in a line (myself as one of the contestants).  The MC told us what to find and we had to run around the whole venue looking for that thing. The end result is that you have 10 people running around like 5 year olds looking outrageously ridiculous.  Everyone had a good laugh but the person who stole the night away (and every woman’s breath) was this cute little 5 year old who knew all of the words to the Ed Sheeran’s ‘Perfect’. The night rounded out exquisitely but I had a pretty heavy headache so I opted to go home and lay in bed.  The rest of the crew went out for drinks but I was perfectly content laying in bed and drifting to sleep.

The next day was all about moving!  We started off the day running out to the pier where we met up with some travel guides and bought a package to go parasailing!  Ahhhhhhhhhh I’ve never gone parasailing before and oh my god its so much fun!!! With the package we got someone who could speedboat us to different islands.  So while we were waiting for our captain, we rented some snorkels and brought them with us. On the way to the first island, we spotted a pretty nasty storm on the horizon and we all started wondering if the day was going to go south.  We came up with a backup plan of just going to see a movie but, luckily, it didn’t have to come to that. We landed on our first island (Manukan) and the captain of the parasailing boat rushed us onto the boat. The storm was coming in and we had to get up in the air before any danger happened.  It started raining but there was no lighting so we were safe. Up we went! Two people to the parasail each time. Because of my weight I had to go up on my own, which was fine to me because when I was up there on my own, I felt so much power. There was a sort of immortal feeling I had as I looked down at all the islands around me.  I have to admit I was a little drunk with the image before me for a moment. For just a moment, I felt like I was on top of the world and if I wanted, I could just take whatever I wanted. It was a pretty inspiring moment. I think it’s good to feel that way sometimes, it’s the spice of life.

The rain had passed over us and no storm came to disrupt our day, so we took to the beach with our snorkels.  Ever since my diving experience in the Gili’s I haven’t gotten the chance to get back into the water. The Gili’s in Lombok are incredible and while I was over there, I learned about the excitement that can come from diving.  The moment you let your body go and you flip into the crystal clear turquoise waters you enter a different world; an alien world with bright colors and where sea turtles as large as a car fly past you. I can’t wait to get back into the deep waters and explore again.  Until then, I’ll just have to be content with snorkeling. These islands surprisingly have coral that reach all the way to the beach and if you go out just a little bit from the shore you can find all sorts of critters. At the first island, I found this one coral where a clownfish had made its home in a sea animanie.  As I passed over, I wanted to get a little bit closer to look. I feel like that having a home so close to the shore means that he gets a lot of visitors like me, and when I looked closer, I found that there was a smaller one hidden in the bright pink animanie. The clown fish was pissed and it was on attack mode. He was protecting his home and I feel like he has to do it a lot.  He came up to me and bit me on the finger! I was actually really surprised. I didn’t even know that clown fish could bite. I only knew that clownfish were cute. Little nemo couldn’t hurt a fly, and here I was swimming as fast as I could away from this tiny little thing. You protected your home very well mister clown fish.

We then moved on to the next island (Sapi).  On the next island we found a little spot on a picnic table and set our stuff down.  I jumped back in the water to see what I would find at this location. Here the water was clearer and deeper with more coral than the last location.  I got to see a whole lot more. There were a lot of trumpet fish that looked to me over 1 ½ meter long and fish I’d never recognized before of all sorts of shapes and colors.  There was one silver and jet black fish that I stared and gawked at for a good long while. As I moved deeper into the ocean, I found this one clump of coral with an eel inside.  I wish I could describe how much fun was to explore this world, I guess the “kid in a candy store” analogy fits.

After a good long snorkel I came back and found that my friends had been busy covering Nick in sand and now he had become a sand mermaid which was the most absurd thing I could have returned to because Nick cares about his image A LOT, so seeing him covered in sand was a big brain flip to me.  After we all got our pictures taken with the mermaid who had been washed on shore we figured it was our time to get going cause we were hungry.

After some food, we decided that the next move was an escape room so we all moved to take a shower and go to the mall that was close by.  We decided we wanted to go for a thrill so we chose the “IT” inspired room. I’ll take a moment and share how much fun these escape rooms can be.  Think “find your true friends” kind of fun. They can be extremely aggravating, but the sense of completing one can bond you like no other experience (unless you were actually trapped in the room with a killer clown coming after you).  You have to solve a series of puzzles to work yourself out of each room and eventually out of the scenario. In this scenario, you are a kid and you are hunting down what has happened to the other kids in the neighborhood (spoiler alert, they were killed by a killer clown).  We didn’t get out, but we did get pretty sufficiently scared. Especially thanks to one room that was full of clown masks. Because I wasn't doing anything to help the group at the moment, I had a bright idea to put on a mask and stand in the corner. I wanted a fun scare…. But it might have been too effective.  I actually thought Nick would have a heart attack right then and there. Bree was pissed at me, and I don’t think she has forgiven me yet (or ever will).

While we were in the room, Bree came down with something very unsettling.  She had to leave the room, and I met up with her in the apartment. We spent the rest of the night in the hospital.  It was a scary moment. Turns out Bree had somehow acquired a little bacteria stowaway while they had gone hiking in the Borneo jungle days before that made her violently ill.  It was scary but luckily, nothing threatening. The doctor narrowed down the possibilities and gave her some antibiotics. Everyone was hoping that the little critter was the culprit because the alternative meant that it was something much much worse.  I had the wonderful job of contacting her parents who I had just met a couple of days prior. I put my big boy pants on and first had to tell her parents that their daughter was violently ill in a hospital with someone they just met, and THEN try and assuage their fears.  I am glad that I’ve been given the ability to be an overfunctioner in times of crisis but it can also sometimes make me feel that “I, alone” must do this by myself. A few years ago, I would have taken all of the responsibility myself and not given it to anyone. I have to admit I was a little reluctant, but Nicole and Nick were both there and both pretty overfunctioning too.  I like to think of over-functioning as an ability to switch to doing rather than feeling in times of crisis. Nicole and Nick were both there and both ready to help in any way they could. Nick’s words of encouragement helped me stay strong while I was scared for Bree and her family. Nicole was right there and ready to help any way she could and her decision to ultimately go to the hospital saved a lot of worries that night.  I am both gracious for her friends who helped me and thankful that she has friends that would NEVER leave her side in a time of crisis. We might have failed the escape game with the imaginary killer clown, but we all made it out of the real life escape room with real worries and real decisions. Leaving the hospital, Nick never lost his sense of humor. All the way home he was cracking jokes and keeping our spirits up. We all made it through that night thanks to everyone in that apartment and I’m glad that Bree has the friends she has.  I’d say she’s pretty lucky, not everyone gets to have friends like that.

After a weekend of a lot of ups and downs, we were on the flight home.  I miss Nick with his crazy mermaid antics. I miss Nicole and Robin and their wealth of feeling and empathy.  I miss the badass Shae with her kickass and take names personality. I miss Gloria and Jeremiah and our deep conversations about teaching and relationship.  I miss that giant goofball, Lester. I miss Farah and Chance and the amazing wedding weekend I had. And of course I miss Bree, Next time I see her, we will be in Bali.